Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
