who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
