I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
