Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
