My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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