i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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