i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
