he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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