I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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