Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
