If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
it's like heaven, but drunker
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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