Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
