so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
