He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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