I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
