It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
