last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
