Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
