3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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