I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
