I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
