And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
