im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
