This is not my ceiling
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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