Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
