He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I think pants incapable of making pants work
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
