My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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