If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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