Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
