if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
We don't watch enough power rangers
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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