I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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