all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
