What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You took a bar mat shot.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
They are going to name an STD after you.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
