she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
