Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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