Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
