you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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