Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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