guys are only as good as the porn they watch
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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