I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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