I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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