after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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