i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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