I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
