you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
