me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
