if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
