If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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