I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
