i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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