I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
